Essay About Fasting For My Life
Fasting and Mental Health
Recently, I decided to take up a 21 day LIQUID fast (yes, I said a liquid fast, crazy, right?, and boy has it been H-e-double hockey sticks and grueling, but I’m trying to find the daily joy in it. Why? Because I’m trying to better myself, not my health, but my spiritual health.
Fasting has taught me quite a lot. AND, it’s good for the body if you’re eating vegetable based blended soup. Yes, I said blended soup. You stick a bunch of cooked veggies (cooked in broth/stock) and put them in a blender and hit the ’soup’ setting and watch the magic of chunks turn to liquid.
I’m not fasting to be skinny or anything, in fact, I, myself, am trying to maintain my weight, but I’ve got a multitude of spiritual weight on my shoulders – – > I struggle with a disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar 2. What are these disorders?
Borderline Personality disorder affects my mood by having many mood swings, affecting my impulsivity, and usually involves an unstable sense of self, all of which I’m working on. My Bipolar 2, manic-depressive with rapid cycling is my main challenge to myself and my marriage.
My Bipolar almost sunk my marriage yesterday. It had been 5 months of hell. 5 months of me acting like, well, not myself. 5 months of me being depressed and angry, cold and unstable, and left me feeling like there was something that I couldnt satisfy in myself. Not a tangible type of satisfaction either, but a spiritual satisfaction. I was left feeling starving and in distress. Now, I know what you’re thinking, why didn’t I just stop if I know all this? It wasn’t and isn’t that simple as just stopping. This is something that made me feel out of control — I felt like my world was spinning down the drain and into a sewage system (I felt like shit and I was being a shit person). Now, I wasn’t intentionally trying to be a shit partner and person, but it was kind of just like I couldn’t get a grip or ahold of myself. I wanted to grab myself by the shoulders and sternly say, “Woman, you’re going to behave and act like a ”sane” person,” but what is sanity?
Sanity is a made up construct that nearly no one fits into. Everyone is insane to their own capacity. All people struggle with something that kind of defines their personality or life whether it’s Bipolar, depression, anxiety, or obsessive behavior like the tv show, YOU (also his many other disorders that ruled his life, but we’re not talking about that). I have yet to meet a “sane“ person. Sanity is just something that people use to classify others with. “We’re all mad here.”
But I felt like I was lost and couldn’t climb myself out of this pit that I didn’t mean to fall into. I felt like a hunter was chasing me and I was the prey he/she was trying to catch and I accidentally fell into the trap and now, I’m stuck here. In this pit. Fuck. Right? Anyone feel like they’re just stuck in a pit and can’t climb out? A pit of your own fears, anxieties, depression, anger? I was stuck in a pit of anger and the only way to get out was practicing the power of release — also forgiveness to those who wronged me, my family. Raise your hand if you’ve been wronged by your family and mistreated. We can talk about that later in another blog post. That needs it own time for trauma. Or comment below if you wish to talk or contact me, I’d be happy to help you, I’ve been through it all, literally, you name it, I can confirm it.
The months of terribleness just was so hard on our marriage and we‘ve been together 4 years now and it‘s never been easy and never going to be easy with “someone like me.” I’m on the severe spectrum of BPD and Bipolar 2. It honestly sucks and that’s not even a strong enough word to say how I feel about it. Most days, it’s hard to even get up from sleep, but I do it anyways. And then there‘s the daily cleaning and cooking and that feels so difficult, and our apartment isn’t even big! – – > We have a running joke, that my wife’s mom’s furnished basement is bigger than our one bedroom, underground, 2 windowed apartment that hasn’t been renovated since the 60s, but that was just fine with us! The only thing that sucks is that water stains the floor — water! It’s a frantic and panicked time when a drop of spilled drink is on the floor, future note for any of y’all, salt and a heaping amount of salt gets red wine out of carpet. It literally soaks it all up and then you just vacuum it up! Magic!
But just because I don’t work and I try to manage an apartment doesn’t mean I’ve got it easy. I’m weighed down by myself but yes, I don’t have to show up to a job everyday, my partner financially and emotionally supports our small family of 2 plus our cat, Sam, and I’m so grateful she does! I love her so much *insert crying face* because she does everything for us. – – > 2 days ago, my blender broke! Which my blender has been crucial for making smoothies and the soups for this liquid fast, I was in distress and upset, pacing around our small apartment at 2 in the afternoon. I texted my wife while she was at work, and she solved the problem! She went to Walmart after work and bought me a Oster Classic Series Red Metallic Blender Plus Food Chopper! It works better than our old Black + Decker blender. This blender has 4 blades! Making blending things hella easy and fast! I about orgasmed when she brought in the new blender, real stuff.
So, yesterday, our relationship had just wretched a peak after so many months of anger. We discusses divorce and almost took our rings off. Most no one knows how unstable and tumultuous our relationship is. Everyone thinks of us as the perfect couple, but that’s not true! We fight, a lot when I’m in low states and it gets so bad for so long we wonder if we should stay together because I’ve, not literally, beaten my wife into a pulp with my emotions. It’s hard for her being with someone who has such a severe mental illness. It’s hard on anyone to love someone when you don’t know if they love you back.
I‘m not good at expressing my emotions. Unfortunately, my words are my emotions. I’m pretty monotone and live life out of touch with myself and my feelings. Bipolar people, to my knowledge, have difficulty expressing themselves in general, especially in a healthy way. I’m quite often confused by my emotions and in emotional turmoil.
We ended up patching things over and I agreed to really trying to get better. Things are better now and on the up and up. I won’t let my mental illness define me! All one could hope to be in life is a better version of themselves.
So, what does all of this have to do with a liquid fast diet for 21 days? I’m not just starving myself for no reason. I’m not really starving with the recipes I’m making. I’m making very vegetable-heavy recipes. Potatoes fill you up and zucchinis do, too! Just a tip if you’re thinking of doing a fast.
I believe in spirituality and believe that my spirit is sick. I believe my mind is sick and needs a detox. My flesh needs a detox and my soul. So what am I doing to cleanse myself?
• Yoga – – > I do a quick 15 minute “in touch” or “peace” session. My favorite yoga pose that I feel is most useful (to me) is the ‘prayer pose.’ I find this pose to immediately calm my senses and inner being. I recommend yoga to literally everyone I meet, sorry! But it‘s good for y’all!
• Reading or watching positive messages – – > This messages help me find myself and put me in the right headspace that I need to be in to basically live and help beat my Bipolar. Bipolar is a change in lifestyle.
• No TV – – > Only productive tv, like when it comes to watching positive messages off of youtube. No tv because it distracts from the self. This fasting time is supposed to be a time of self reflection and listening to yourself and your emotional needs.
• No sweets – – > Sugar interferes with the “happiness receptors” in your brain and can create addiction. Sugar can also fill you up. I can’t be fasting and be eating ice cream all the time. I guess you can, who am I to judge, that’s just not the right path for me.
So, I’ve been already fasting for 9 days and I feel better! I’m still working on my emotional control and outbursts that I have, but today I’m finding myself to be in a better headspace, especially while typing this.